(110) A Few of Dr. Ray Guarendi's Parenting Tips for Different Ages

            Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist that appears on the Catholic Cable Channel EWTN with his weekly program, “Living Right with Dr. Ray”.  He was our 2014 Men’s Conference speaker at St. Mary’s Church in St. Clairsville.  He is particularly qualified to talk about parenting since he and his wife are raising ten children.

Dr. Ray with his large family and St. Nick

A Few of Dr. Ray’s Parenting Tips for Different Ages

Taken from Dr. Ray Guarendi’s website at http://drray.com/132-2/

Regarding Young Children: The Spirit Isn’t Weak

Dear Dr. Ray,

My four-year-old son, Jason, seems to get into far more than his share of trouble. To use a word, he is high-spirited. If I discipline him as much as he seems to need, will I break his spirit? ―Cautious

Your Jason sounds like another little guy I met recently―David. David was the closest thing to perpetual motion I’ve seen in while. Indefatigable, he endlessly tampered with anything within eyesight to see how it could be taken apart or destroyed. He averaged 22.6 questions per hour, wanting the why of everything from the basic laws of physics to his parents’ rules. He was forever pitting his will against grownups’, sometimes to win, sometimes just to see what would happen. Unfortunately, David’s innate spunk coupled with his penchant for rule breaking led him to be the first child ever “expelled” from his preschool. His mother’s question mirrored yours: How do I teach self-control without breaking the will?

To begin, kids who run on high idle, or who constantly challenge, or who buck every rule almost always do need more discipline than their more even-tempered or docile counterparts. Discipline itself does not break spirits. On the contrary, it gives youngsters the self-control necessary to use their inborn energy to its full potential. Of course, your discipline has to be firmer than the average parent’s. You have to work harder at sticking to your guns and following through. Staying calm is a daily challenge. In short, a “high” (euphemism for feisty) spirit tests a parent’s spirit. But, believe it or not, it will make you a better parent. And that leads directly to a better child.

To maintain your parental sanity you need to decide when to discipline and when to let Jason’s exuberance feed itself fully. Start with this guideline: If Jason’s behavior is not hurting anyone, himself included, nor trampling on anyone’s rights, why intervene? Whom or what is Jason harming by squirming through 46 contortionist postures per TV commercial, by asking Grandpa (who really doesn’t mind) fourteen questions per minute, or by singing himself to sleep, however off-key. On the other hand, if the living room couch is Jason’s practice trampoline, or Jason calls Grandpa “dumb head” because he can only guess at twelve of fourteen questions, or sings right through your wishes that he at least be lying in bed by 8:00 P.M., then his actions are infringing upon other’s rights, or are irresponsible, and need to be tempered or stopped. Doing so does not break wills. It provides the guidelines that kids need to put direction to their spiritedness.

A high spirit and self-control are not mutually exclusive characteristics. Indeed, they complement each other well. A child who is born with the first and learns the latter through his parents will maximize both gifts.

Dr. Ray

Regarding School Age to Teens: I’m Ba-a-ack!

Dear Dr. Ray,

I can hardly visit with friends anymore because my children (ages five and three) interrupt us constantly. I send them to play but they keep returning. ―Conversationless

You have several options. One, quit visiting with friends. Tell them you have children now, and you won’t be able to talk to any adults until your kids are teenagers and don’t want to be around you anymore because you embarrass them.

Two, tell your friends to stop interrupting you and your children. You’ll talk to them if and when your kids have to go to the bathroom. But warn them to speak quickly.

Three, teach your children to respect your visits with your friends by setting up some expectations for their behavior.

Obviously you haven’t chosen options one and two, because you still have friends left. I suspect you’ve tinkered with option three but have been frustrated by your kids crashing repeatedly through your expectations. I’m with you. I like option three best, too. Shortly, we’ll explore it.

There are good reasons for permanently interrupting your children’s interrupting. First, even good friends can take only so many exasperating visits. Parents of intrusive children often find their circle of conversational friends shrinking. Second, though our culture has pretty much thrown off the attitude of past generations that “children should be seen and not heard,” the pendulum seems to have swung too far in the other direction. By allowing Oral to be heard whenever she wants, we don’t teach her to respect other people’s right not only to be heard too, but to hear people other than kids. Last, children are more likeable, to us and others, when we don’t allow them to be obnoxious. When was the last time you heard, “You know, I just love the way your children feel so free and comfortable barging into our conversation any time they want.”

One reason children are more pushy than they used to be is because many experts have convinced parents to allow them to be. They need to have loads of attention, so goes the reasoning, to form healthy self-images. Therefore, when little Patience wants to talk, seeks your attention or approval, or just wants to show you something, you’d better drop what you’re doing lest she feel neglected or unimportant.

In fact, a child will not suffer a stunted self-image by not getting every adult in his vicinity to suspend all conversations with others to meet his wants, however urgent he thinks they are. On the contrary, respect for grown-ups’ relationships with others is a critical aspect of character. It helps kids accept that the universe is not here to rotate around them.

So how do you teach this respect? As you’ve probably already noticed, it’s not enough simply to tell your kids, “We’re visiting now. Go play.” or “Please don’t interrupt. Say `Excuse me.”‘ The kids will comply, for a few tenths of a second, but they’ll be back, in full verbal force. You’ll need to add some oomph to your requests. “Fulbright, please go play. The next time you come back and interrupt, you’ll sit on the couch.” In other words, put some consequences behind your expectations. You may have to repeat trips to the couch-or wherever―several times over the next few visits, but the kids will catch on. When Mom says, “Don’t be rude,” she means it.

I wanted to say a few more things, but my kids are bugging me. I wish they’d let me write. Every time I sit down with a pencil, they start. I’ve told them a million times, “Daddy has to work,” but I just can’t get them to…  Dr. Ray

Regarding Teens: Apathy – Kids Work At It

Dear Dr. Ray,

Our ten-year-old son accepts discipline pretty well. In fact, he accepts it too well. Whenever I discipline him, I meet with an “I don’t care.” I’m frustrated by his total lack of reaction. What can I do if he really doesn’t care? ―I Care

Apathy―kids put a lot of effort into it. They deliberately work hard to convince you that discipline doesn’t faze them. In other words, they care that you care that they don’t care.

There are two basic parent-tested tactics kids use to convey apathy. Each sends a surge of frustration up parents’ spines. Some kids will proclaim loud and clear, “I don’t care”; for example, upon hearing that their phone privileges are disconnected until they pay off a phone bill listing 2,724 call-in votes (at 50 cents apiece) naming their favorite green-haired rock star. Other kids elevate feigned indifference to its purest form. Barely giving you a listless shoulder shrug or mouth twist, Joy wants you to know she doesn’t even care enough to tell you she doesn’t care.

Most, if not all, I don’t care messages are facade. If Nielson truly didn’t mind losing TV until his room is clean enough to find the window, why would he spend time watching TV in the first place? If Penny genuinely wasn’t bothered about paying you 25 cents for drying the dishes she “forgot” about, she’d walk up and hand you a quarter every so often, just out of gratitude that you’re her mother.

Kids care about discipline. They just don’t want you to think they do, for two reasons. One, if you think that your 25-cent penalty affected Penny, you just might try this fine approach more often in the future, and she certainly wouldn’t want that. In any given year, she’d need to win the state lottery to pay you off. And two, Penny knows you’re upset over her apathy, so at least she salvages something for her quarter.

On occasion, kids genuinely don’t care about what you did. Carlisle’s thinking, “So what if I can’t have the car for a week. I don’t need it.” But on his third carless day, Carlisle gets a call from Carla, who says, “I have three free tickets to the Strawberry Asphalt concert, including a complimentary meal and autograph session with the band. Can you drive?” It took a few days, but Carlisle did find out that seemingly carefree consequences can lead to complications.

Too, always remember this discipline maxim: Your purpose is not solely to make kids care about your discipline. Your purpose is to place what you (or they) think is a fair consequence for their actions and then stick with it. Your goal is to teach Carlisle something about life, that is, that people are held accountable for their behavior, whether they care or not.

So what can you say or do in the face of apathy? Try meeting apathy with apathy. Don’t say or do anything. Your calm will convey quite nicely that it doesn’t matter to you that it doesn’t matter to Joy. If you bounce all over looking for consequences that do seem to matter to her, you’ll search endlessly, because Joy will most likely convey the same reaction regardless of what you try. Kids stick with tactics that work on parents.

If you must say something or you’ll just burst, try “I’m glad you’re taking this so calmly.” That usually takes the fire right out of apathy.

Apathy may be nerve-wracking, but it’s simpler to handle than an argument or outright resistance. Kids who don’t care do care, especially if we don’t care that they don’t care.  Dr. Ray

Regarding Kids of All Ages: It’s All Right to Be Wrong

Dear Dr. Ray,

I worry a lot about making mistakes in raising my children. How do I know what I’m doing now won’t hurt them in some way later in life? ―Nervous

Few things can ruin the enjoyment of parenthood more surely than a fear of mistakes. Nowadays so many parents live with the daily worry that they will accidentally set in motion some emotional hang-up that will plague their youngster through childhood and maybe into adulthood. One single parent mom told me she was reluctant to discipline her strong willed son because she didn’t want him to grow up with bad feelings towards women.

It’s no surprise that parents are so skittish. They’ve been blamed for everything from Waldo’s bellyache to his dropping out of school. Somehow, some way, the finger gets pointed back at the folks. They must have miscalculated or blundered at some crucial stage along the way. Out of ignorance, inexperience, lack of sophistication or savvy, they’ve done something to create the instability or defect in Sigmund’s mental health.

What a tragedy that such a black cloud hovers over child rearing. The reality is that the very best of moms and dads will miscue so many times that they’ll lose count in their first year. Mistakes are inseparable from good parenthood. They are as integral to the process as children are. My guess is that the typical parent with the typical youngster misjudges, overreacts, and mishandles things thousands of times per child rearing career. And that’s in raising a typical youngster. If you live with a Spike, allow yourself two or three times the norm in mistakes, because this little spitfire would make Job cry uncle.

Unquestionably your parenting is powerful in shaping the person your child is and becomes. If you consistently parent poorly, she probably will develop some problems on her way to adulthood. The key words here are consistently and probably. You have to mess up not once or twice, but repeatedly to lay the base for possible future trouble. Just as it takes time and perseverance to teach good values and habits, it takes time to teach bad ones. Mistakes made by parents who love, discipline, and care for their children simply will not ruin a child for life. 

Kids are emotionally durable. The good Lord knew that children were going to be raised by humans, with all of our shortcomings, inconsistencies and flaws. So he built them to withstand us, and all the trial and erroring we do on our way to better parenting. Kids are not fashioned from spun glass. They don’t have to be ever so delicately shielded from all bumps and jostles. Not at all! Kids are built tough. They can be more likened to hard rubber, with steel belts on both sides.

Whenever you worry that you may have blundered badly in handling a situation or problem, remember: that occasion is only one of thousands upon thousands of interactions you and Waldo will have together. It’s the overall picture that matters, not the periodic foul-ups that all of us parents are prone to, especially if we’re raising kids and not something easy like wolves.

There’s a bright side to making mistakes. Responsible parents learn from mistakes. If you think you make more than your share, you’ll learn more quickly. Mistakes are how good parents get better.  Dr. Ray

Links to Articles and Videos on Dr. Ray

http://www.ewtn.com/series/shows/living-right-with-dr-ray/index.htm – His program on cable cannel EWTN.

https://avemariaradio.net/program/the-doctor-is-in/ - His program on Ave Maria Radio, “The Doctor is In.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_Guarendi - His bio

http://www.fathersforgood.org/ffg/en/common_challenges/raydiscipline.html - Dr. Ray on Discipline with a podcast.  The website fathersforgood.org has many great articles for fathers.  Many of them are by Dr. Ray.

http://www.cmgbooking.com/catholic-speakers/dr-ray-guarendi - for booking Dr. Ray for a talk.

http://www.ihmconference.org/ray-guarendi/ - IHM Conferences