A Few of Dr. Ray’s Parenting Tips
for Different Ages
Regarding Young Children: The Spirit
Isn’t Weak
Dear
Dr. Ray,
My
four-year-old son, Jason, seems to get into far more than his share of trouble.
To use a word, he is high-spirited. If I discipline him as much as he seems to
need, will I break his spirit? ―Cautious
Your
Jason sounds like another little guy I met recently―David. David was the
closest thing to perpetual motion I’ve seen in while. Indefatigable, he
endlessly tampered with anything within eyesight to see how it could be taken
apart or destroyed. He averaged 22.6 questions per hour, wanting the why of
everything from the basic laws of physics to his parents’ rules. He was forever
pitting his will against grownups’, sometimes to win, sometimes just to see
what would happen. Unfortunately, David’s innate spunk coupled with his
penchant for rule breaking led him to be the first child ever “expelled” from
his preschool. His mother’s question mirrored yours: How do I teach
self-control without breaking the will?
To
begin, kids who run on high idle, or who constantly challenge, or who buck
every rule almost always do need more discipline than their more even-tempered
or docile counterparts. Discipline itself does not break spirits. On the
contrary, it gives youngsters the self-control necessary to use their inborn
energy to its full potential. Of course, your discipline has to be firmer than
the average parent’s. You have to work harder at sticking to your guns and
following through. Staying calm is a daily challenge. In short, a “high”
(euphemism for feisty) spirit tests a parent’s spirit. But, believe it or not,
it will make you a better parent. And that leads directly to a better child.
To
maintain your parental sanity you need to decide when to discipline and when to
let Jason’s exuberance feed itself fully. Start with this guideline: If Jason’s
behavior is not hurting anyone, himself included, nor trampling on anyone’s
rights, why intervene? Whom or what is Jason harming by squirming through 46
contortionist postures per TV commercial, by asking Grandpa (who really doesn’t
mind) fourteen questions per minute, or by singing himself to sleep, however
off-key. On the other hand, if the living room couch is Jason’s practice
trampoline, or Jason calls Grandpa “dumb head” because he can only guess at
twelve of fourteen questions, or sings right through your wishes that he at
least be lying in bed by 8:00 P.M., then his actions are infringing upon
other’s rights, or are irresponsible, and need to be tempered or stopped. Doing
so does not break wills. It provides the guidelines that kids need to put
direction to their spiritedness.
A
high spirit and self-control are not mutually exclusive characteristics.
Indeed, they complement each other well. A child who is born with the first and
learns the latter through his parents will maximize both gifts.
Dr. Ray
Regarding School Age to Teens: I’m
Ba-a-ack!
Dear
Dr. Ray,
I
can hardly visit with friends anymore because my children (ages five and three)
interrupt us constantly. I send them to play but they keep returning.
―Conversationless
You
have several options. One, quit visiting with friends. Tell them you have
children now, and you won’t be able to talk to any adults until your kids are
teenagers and don’t want to be around you anymore because you embarrass them.
Two,
tell your friends to stop interrupting you and your children. You’ll talk to
them if and when your kids have to go to the bathroom. But warn them to speak
quickly.
Three,
teach your children to respect your visits with your friends by setting up some
expectations for their behavior.
Obviously
you haven’t chosen options one and two, because you still have friends left. I
suspect you’ve tinkered with option three but have been frustrated by your kids
crashing repeatedly through your expectations. I’m with you. I like option
three best, too. Shortly, we’ll explore it.
There
are good reasons for permanently interrupting your children’s interrupting.
First, even good friends can take only so many exasperating visits. Parents of
intrusive children often find their circle of conversational friends shrinking.
Second, though our culture has pretty much thrown off the attitude of past
generations that “children should be seen and not heard,” the pendulum seems to
have swung too far in the other direction. By allowing Oral to be heard
whenever she wants, we don’t teach her to respect other people’s right not only
to be heard too, but to hear people other than kids. Last, children are more
likeable, to us and others, when we don’t allow them to be obnoxious. When was
the last time you heard, “You know, I just love the way your children feel so
free and comfortable barging into our conversation any time they want.”
One
reason children are more pushy than they used to be is because many experts
have convinced parents to allow them to be. They need to have loads of
attention, so goes the reasoning, to form healthy self-images. Therefore, when
little Patience wants to talk, seeks your attention or approval, or just wants
to show you something, you’d better drop what you’re doing lest she feel
neglected or unimportant.
In
fact, a child will not suffer a stunted self-image by not getting every adult
in his vicinity to suspend all conversations with others to meet his wants,
however urgent he thinks they are. On the contrary, respect for grown-ups’
relationships with others is a critical aspect of character. It helps kids
accept that the universe is not here to rotate around them.
So
how do you teach this respect? As you’ve probably already noticed, it’s not
enough simply to tell your kids, “We’re visiting now. Go play.” or “Please
don’t interrupt. Say `Excuse me.”‘ The kids will comply, for a few tenths of a
second, but they’ll be back, in full verbal force. You’ll need to add some
oomph to your requests. “Fulbright, please go play. The next time you come back
and interrupt, you’ll sit on the couch.” In other words, put some consequences
behind your expectations. You may have to repeat trips to the couch-or
wherever―several times over the next few visits, but the kids will catch on.
When Mom says, “Don’t be rude,” she means it.
I
wanted to say a few more things, but my kids are bugging me. I wish they’d let
me write. Every time I sit down with a pencil, they start. I’ve told them a
million times, “Daddy has to work,” but I just can’t get them to… Dr. Ray
Regarding Teens: Apathy – Kids Work
At It
Dear
Dr. Ray,
Our
ten-year-old son accepts discipline pretty well. In fact, he accepts it too
well. Whenever I discipline him, I meet with an “I don’t care.” I’m frustrated
by his total lack of reaction. What can I do if he really doesn’t care? ―I Care
Apathy―kids
put a lot of effort into it. They deliberately work hard to convince you that
discipline doesn’t faze them. In other words, they care that you care that they
don’t care.
There
are two basic parent-tested tactics kids use to convey apathy. Each sends a
surge of frustration up parents’ spines. Some kids will proclaim loud and
clear, “I don’t care”; for example, upon hearing that their phone privileges
are disconnected until they pay off a phone bill listing 2,724 call-in votes
(at 50 cents apiece) naming their favorite green-haired rock star. Other kids
elevate feigned indifference to its purest form. Barely giving you a listless
shoulder shrug or mouth twist, Joy wants you to know she doesn’t even care
enough to tell you she doesn’t care.
Most,
if not all, I don’t care messages are facade. If Nielson truly didn’t mind
losing TV until his room is clean enough to find the window, why would he spend
time watching TV in the first place? If Penny genuinely wasn’t bothered about
paying you 25 cents for drying the dishes she “forgot” about, she’d walk up and
hand you a quarter every so often, just out of gratitude that you’re her
mother.
Kids
care about discipline. They just don’t want you to think they do, for two
reasons. One, if you think that your 25-cent penalty affected Penny, you just
might try this fine approach more often in the future, and she certainly
wouldn’t want that. In any given year, she’d need to win the state lottery to
pay you off. And two, Penny knows you’re upset over her apathy, so at least she
salvages something for her quarter.
On
occasion, kids genuinely don’t care about what you did. Carlisle’s thinking,
“So what if I can’t have the car for a week. I don’t need it.” But on his third
carless day, Carlisle gets a call from Carla, who says, “I have three free
tickets to the Strawberry Asphalt concert, including a complimentary meal and
autograph session with the band. Can you drive?” It took a few days, but
Carlisle did find out that seemingly carefree consequences can lead to
complications.
Too,
always remember this discipline maxim: Your purpose is not solely to make kids
care about your discipline. Your purpose is to place what you (or they) think
is a fair consequence for their actions and then stick with it. Your goal is to
teach Carlisle something about life, that is, that people are held accountable
for their behavior, whether they care or not.
So
what can you say or do in the face of apathy? Try meeting apathy with apathy.
Don’t say or do anything. Your calm will convey quite nicely that it doesn’t
matter to you that it doesn’t matter to Joy. If you bounce all over looking for
consequences that do seem to matter to her, you’ll search endlessly, because
Joy will most likely convey the same reaction regardless of what you try. Kids
stick with tactics that work on parents.
If
you must say something or you’ll just burst, try “I’m glad you’re taking this
so calmly.” That usually takes the fire right out of apathy.
Apathy
may be nerve-wracking, but it’s simpler to handle than an argument or outright
resistance. Kids who don’t care do care, especially if we don’t care that they
don’t care. Dr. Ray
Regarding Kids of All Ages: It’s All
Right to Be Wrong
Dear
Dr. Ray,
I
worry a lot about making mistakes in raising my children. How do I know what
I’m doing now won’t hurt them in some way later in life? ―Nervous
Few
things can ruin the enjoyment of parenthood more surely than a fear of
mistakes. Nowadays so many parents live with the daily worry that they will
accidentally set in motion some emotional hang-up that will plague their
youngster through childhood and maybe into adulthood. One single parent mom
told me she was reluctant to discipline her strong willed son because she
didn’t want him to grow up with bad feelings towards women.
It’s
no surprise that parents are so skittish. They’ve been blamed for everything
from Waldo’s bellyache to his dropping out of school. Somehow, some way, the
finger gets pointed back at the folks. They must have miscalculated or
blundered at some crucial stage along the way. Out of ignorance, inexperience,
lack of sophistication or savvy, they’ve done something to create the
instability or defect in Sigmund’s mental health.
What
a tragedy that such a black cloud hovers over child rearing. The reality is that
the very best of moms and dads will miscue so many times that they’ll lose count
in their first year. Mistakes are inseparable from good parenthood. They are as
integral to the process as children are. My guess is that the typical parent
with the typical youngster misjudges, overreacts, and mishandles things
thousands of times per child rearing career. And that’s in raising a typical
youngster. If you live with a Spike, allow yourself two or three times the norm
in mistakes, because this little spitfire would make Job cry uncle.
Unquestionably
your parenting is powerful in shaping the person your child is and becomes. If
you consistently parent poorly, she probably will develop some
problems on her way to adulthood. The key words here are consistently and
probably. You have to mess up not once or twice, but repeatedly to lay the base
for possible future trouble. Just as it takes time and perseverance to teach
good values and habits, it takes time to teach bad ones. Mistakes made by
parents who love, discipline, and care for their children simply will not ruin
a child for life.
Kids are emotionally durable. The
good Lord knew that children were going to be raised by humans, with all of our
shortcomings, inconsistencies and flaws. So he built them to withstand us, and
all the trial and erroring we do on our way to better parenting. Kids are not
fashioned from spun glass. They don’t have to be ever so delicately shielded
from all bumps and jostles. Not at all! Kids are built tough. They can be more
likened to hard rubber, with steel belts on both sides.
Whenever you worry that you may have
blundered badly in handling a situation or problem, remember: that occasion is
only one of thousands upon thousands of interactions you and Waldo will have
together. It’s the overall picture that matters, not the periodic foul-ups that
all of us parents are prone to, especially if we’re raising kids and not
something easy like wolves.
There’s a bright side to making
mistakes. Responsible parents learn from mistakes. If you think you make more
than your share, you’ll learn more quickly. Mistakes are how good parents get
better. Dr. Ray
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