Many of us have problems with
anger…….something that some of us have to struggle with and work on all of our
lives during our journey to Eternity.
Dr. Ray Guarendi wrote a book on it…….. Fighting
Mad — Practical Solutions for Conquering Anger.
Below are a few excerpts. You can order the book from Dr. Ray’s
website, http://drray.com.
Dr. Ray was the main speaker at
our Diocesan Men’s Day of Renewal in 2014 at St. Mary’s Church in St. Clairsville. He has a weekly television program on EWTN
cable/satellite and internet www.ewtn.com/tv “Living Right with Dr. Ray” 7 pm Eastern on Saturdays and 5 am on
Fridays. He also has a radio program, “The
Doctor is In” on EWTN Radio (www.ewtn.com/radio) 1 pm Eastern Monday thru Friday.
To see numerous samples of Dr. Ray Guarendi’s talks, go
to www.youtube.com and
type in Dr. Ray Guarendi.
The Excerpts
Vent or Contain?
Vent or Contain?, excerpt from Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions for
Conquering Anger “Conventional wisdom has long advised that anger vented is
good. It allows stress a release, much like the pressure discharged from a
steam valve. Conventional wisdom isn’t always wise or always true.”
This
piece of conventional wisdom is now being rethought. It seems that venting
anger, especially rashly, can cause the venter a number of ill effects
One,
anger too often expressed leads to its being expressed more often. Blowing off
steam comes sooner and easier with less pressure.
Two,
venting can take a physical toll on its releaser. It agitates rather than
pacifies.
And
three, loud and long anger can generate distress post-vent: guilt, shame,
embarrassment, and regret.
A
piece of wisdom: Moderating one’s emotional expression is a healthier
alternative to letting it flow.
Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions
for Conquering Anger Pages 147-148
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Servant Books
Cool or Hot?
Cool or Hot?, excerpt from Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions for
Conquering Anger “No single gene underlies temper, or impulsiveness, or
irritability. It’s an intricate dance among many genes and circumstances.
There’s a universal characteristic called free will that makes the picture even
more unpredictable.”
Therefore,
one’s genetics do not offer a biochemical excuse, as in “My body made me do
it.” No husband will win affection from his wife by hiding behind, “Honey, I’ve
had a temper long before I met you. You’d better learn to live with it, because
it’s just a part of me and I can’t change it now.”
No
parent of a volcanic Serena would—I hope—in resignation surrender, “She’s so
strong-willed. There’s not much I can do but accept it. It’s going to be a long
fifteen years.”
No,
what he would accept—I hope—is that he needs five times the perseverance to
teach Serena some self-control as he needs for her even-tempered brother.
Success may come slowly, but for Serena’s sake, as well as that of everyone
near ground zero, it must be pursued.
Grown-up
Serenas tell me of a lifelong battle to douse their fiery emotions. Genuinely
distressed by their proclivity to overreact, their efforts are exhausting, with
a two-steps-forward, one-step-back element. Still, they show an admirable will
to keep advancing. They mean to conquer, or at least quiet, some of their
inborn inclinations.
Science
is a long way from knowing (if it ever will) how much a lack of self-control is
nature and how much is nurture. And in the end it doesn’t matter all that much.
We have to alter for the better what we can. If not our temperament, then our
temper. If not our bodies, then our minds.
…The
good news, as we shall see, is that we possess the mental resources to overcome
even our bodies’ strongest inclinations.
Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions
for Conquering Anger Pages 14-15
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Servant Books
Forgive or Feel Bad?
Forgive or Feel Bad?, excerpt from Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions for
Conquering Anger “No single act can relieve the corrosive aftereffects of
anger than an honest act of forgiveness. To be sure, forgiving is hard,
especially when the offender isn’t sorry. Only one thing is harder: Not
forgiving.”
Forgiveness
is not foremost a feeling. It is foremost a decision, a conscious act of the
will. And that’s good, as over life’s long haul, the will is a more stable
guide than the emotions. If one waits for bad feelings to subside on their own
or for good feelings to replace them, forgiveness, at a minimum, will be
delayed, if not abandoned indefinitely.
Resentments
and agitations reverberate much longer if we don’t give forgiveness a chance.
Forgiveness is not just good for the forgiven. It is as good, if not more so,
for the forgiver.
No
single act can relieve the corrosive aftereffects of anger than an honest act
of forgiveness. To be sure, forgiving is hard, especially when the offender
isn’t sorry. Only one thing is harder: not forgiving.
Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions
for Conquering Anger Page 150
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Servant Books
Trait or State?
Trait or State?, excerpt from Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions for
Conquering Anger “How does one reconcile the inconsistencies between home
child and school child or between home child and school child or between
marital partner and work partner? Well, they don’t need to be reconciled.”
“My
child is an angry person.”
“When
does this anger most show itself?” I ask.
“When
he’s denied something or when he’s disciplined.”
“Is
he angry at times other than those?”
“No,
if we let him do whatever he wants, he’s in a decent mood.”
“So
it’s safe to say that this angry child’s anger is limited to specific times and
places?
“It
seems so.”
“What
does his teacher say?”
“I
don’t understand it. His teacher doesn’t see any of this….She says he’s a
delight.”
“How
do you explain the fact that his teacher, who has a fraction of your authority,
gets him to behave every day all day without so much as a whiff of defiance?”
“Do
you suppose he holds it in all day, and when he gets home, he has to explode?”
“Probably
not. I think he knows where the speed limit is twenty and where it’s the
interstate.”
The
wife of a grouch meets a woman who regales her with “Your husband is such a joy
to work with. He’s so pleasant and positive with everyone. Please don’t take
offense at this, but a lot of the ladies there envy you.”
At
which wife thinks, “Yeah, well, I envy them.” She has to choke back, “What’s
this guy’s last name, and does he look like my wallet picture here?” Not only
is she stung at hearing where she sits on her husband’s “Be nice to” list, but
she can’t reconcile the image of the man she knows with that of the one those
women know.
How
does one reconcile the inconsistencies between home child and school child or
between marital partner and work partner? Well, they don’t need to be
reconciled. We’re talking about human beings here. …Different places promote
different conduct. Different places also mean different people.
…Are
these distinctions without effect? What does it matter if I’m an angry person
or a person who gets angry with certain someones or somethings? Anger is still
anger. Yet it does matter for a number of reasons.
One,
such distinctions can reassure. Because personality defines who someone is, it
is seen as something stable, resisting change or correction. Consequently,
being an angry person sounds more serious than being a person who gets angry
sometimes. Correcting any life problem begins with describing it correctly.
Describing anger as more deep-rooted than it really is makes rectifying it seem
more challenging.
Two,
distinctions narrow the focus. When counseling a so-called angry child or
adult, I must begin with questions—plenty. I need specifics—the who, what,
when, and where of the anger’s appearance. Just knowing someone is an angry
person does me or him little good. The characterization is too wide to be
useful. Unless I narrow it, I don’t know where to head next.
Three,
distinctions present solutions. Suppose I know that my abrasive Uncle Buck
brings out my own abrasiveness. I can a) keep a room or two between us at any
family gathering, b) resolve to let his opinions float past my ears into space
or into someone else’s ears, c) keep my wife nearby, to push me away or pinch
me if I’m tempted to retort, d) play Legos in the basement with the preschooler
until the Buckster falls asleep or goes home.
…What
seems a deficit in personal self-control may be my allowing circumstances to
push me too hard. I may not have an anger trait so much as a few too many anger
states.
Fighting Mad — Practical Solutions
for Conquering Anger Pages 21-22
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Servant Books
Copyright © 2013, Dr. Ray Guarendi
Servant Books
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